|
|
Prison Guv’ captivates Carn
23.05.11
by Linda McGrory
JOHN Lonergan might be an unlikely parenting expert
having spent 40 years in jail.
But the former Mountjoy Prison governor had
Inishowen parents eating out of his hand when he
gave a captivating talk at Carndonagh Community
School on a damp and drizzly Monday night.
If anyone expected his advice to be centred around a
regime of strict rules, curfews and tough
discipline, they were in for a surprise.
Lonergan urged local parents to listen, to
communicate, to accept and respect their children,
just as they are.
A “happy, healthy” child is everything, he
maintains. “Accept the reality of your child 100%,”
he said.
“Never put your children down, ever, ever. Always
give them a lift…don’t put the boot in. Confidence
comes from building them up.”
Lonergan (63) is from Bansha, Co Tipperary. He
joined the Irish Prison Service at the tender age of
20 starting his working life in Limerick Prison. He
was appointed governor of Mountjoy Prison in 1984
and spent the rest of his career at the Dublin inner
city prison, apart from a four-year stint as
governor of Portlaoise Prison. |
 |
|
The former Governor of Mountjoy
Prison, John Lonergan, second left, pictured
following his parenting talk in Carndonagh with,
from left, St Patrick's Boys' School principal,
Albert Doherty, St Patrick's Girls' school
principal, Ailish Tully and Carndonagh Community
School principal, Paul Fiorentini. |
Lonergan wears the
weight of his long-standing career among hardened
criminals lightly. His talks, while strong on wisdom
are leavened with much wit and light-hearted good
humour.
He tells his audiences that children, when they grow
up, are ambassadors for their parents. He urges
parents to ask themselves what kind of feedback they
would like to hear from people who meet their
children.
He bets that parents would much rather hear back
that their children are kind, generous and good
natured rather than total geniuses or millionaires
without a trace of human kindness. “The human stuff
is more important that the achievements,” he argues.
That’s not to say that children should not be
encouraged to meet their true potential, so long as
parents truly accept their children as they are.
On the subject of discipline, Lonergan talks about
his own daughters. He wryly declares he has worked
out child discipline “to a fine art” and can sum it
up in “two short sentences”.
He would tell a child: “Your behaviour yesterday was
unacceptable…you are grounded for two weeks.”
Much to the amusement of the Carn gathering, he told
them there was “no need to give three hours warming
up”.
“And there is definitely no need to reactivate the
whole thing the next morning at breakfast. Two
sentences only…and don’t rant.”
He said a good barometer of effective parenting was
the answer a teenager would give if asked who they
would go to if they had a personal crisis in their
lives. He asked the local parents to ask themselves
how they would feel to learn they were “not only the
last person in Carndonagh, but the last person in
Donegal”, their child would go to. He said they
would go some way towards ensuring they were the
first person their child would go to in a personal
crisis if they always kept confidences, were
non-judgemental and refrained from “ranting”.
Monday evening’s meeting, facilitated by Carndonagh
Community School, St Patrick’s Girls’ School and St
Patrick’s Boy’s School, was always going to be well
attended. And, despite the cold, damp and rain of
the evening, Inshowen parents turned out in their
droves.
Lonergan is an advocate for parents setting aside a
weekly “chat time” with their kids. In the Lonergan
household, “chat time” was achieved over Sunday
lunch every week.
“Listen, just listen and you’ll hear a multitude,”
he said. He tells a story about the time, over
Sunday lunch, he learned for the first time that his
teenage daughter was “taking a drink”. He said
because he had “jumped in and ranted” about things
in the past, this time, he “just shut up”. He told
how he, a teetotaller himself, didn’t open his mouth
all day Sunday or all day Monday. He waited until
Tuesday when he had a calm discussion with his
daughter about his concerns. He said the best
outcome for him was that he had learned some
information about his daughter. He highly
recommended the “discussing, not ranting” policy.
Similarly, he urged young adults to appreciate their
parents and tell them so from time to time. “Create
a home”, he urges, and try to refrain from keeping a
“good room” in the house because the “good room”
will be clean and empty long enough after children
fly the nest. John Lonergan is becoming one of the
most sought after speakers in Ireland and judging by
the response to him from local people, it’s likely
he will return on other occasions to Donegal. The
Carndonagh school principals thanked him for
travelling from Dublin to north Inishowen. Community
School principal, Paul Fiorentini said it was
“refreshing to have the mirror turned on ourselves”. |
|
